Tenspeed & Brownshoe

Friday, June 16, 2006

I always felt like Ryan Seacrest's Star on the Hollyood Walk of Fame should have read:

RYAN SEACREST...for some reason.

So, not only is Brownshoe shooting a movie right now and I had to pick up his slack but I'm flying back to LA next week so the posts will be kinda scarce for a bit.

As I was arranging my schedule, I realized that subconsciously, I was mentally preparing myself for the trip over. Meaning, I had to switch my brain from east coast mentalities to west coast mentalities.

Sound insane?

It's really not. The differences between the two coasts are amazing. Just to give you all some perspective, here are the differences between Los Angeles and New York. This post will deal exclusively with New York. Before I get on the plane, I'll post regarding Los Angeles.


No matter what subway car you're in or which subway line you're traveling, there will always be a crazy person who's just found the seat right next to you.

It doesn't matter whether you're in front of the nicest building in the world or the shittiest slum in the world, they'll both reek of piss.

The light is green and like any other rational human being in the world you interpret that to mean it's okay to drive but a group of people will start to cross the street anyway and curse you out for not letting them walk through.

The light is red and like any other rational human being in the world you interpret that to mean it's not okay to drive but the car behind you will inexplicably honk his horn.

We're supposed to be one of the most sophisticated cities on the planet but somehow it became acceptable to pile a mountain of garbage bags in the middle of the sidewalk.

You're a decent and patient human being but if someone in front of you is walking a tad slow or dares to stop and look up at our glorious architecture, you'll entertain thoughts of rabbit punching him in the back of the head or lighting him on fire like Christopher Walken in The Prophecy.

You're on 46th and Broadway and the most talented musician you've ever seen is playing the most kick ass song ever heard right there on the street but then next door on MTV's TRL, the most overrated musician you've ever seen is playing the most retarded song you've ever heard. Nine times out of ten it's the Black Eyed Peas. Two Words: Lady Lumps.

Lindsay Lohan walks out of a Starbucks looking sweaty and disheveled. And she smells of old cigarettes, cocaine, and Cristal.

The cell phones have gotten so big and prehistoric looking, everyone looks like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.

The biggest stars in the world come to party on Thursday, the biggest party night of the week but on Friday & Saturday, everyone that travels into the city to party is named Vince, Ann Marie, or some other goomba variation.

No matter what day of the week it is, no matter what time it is, LAW & ORDER is being filmed.

You'll be walking down the street and suddenly trip over something. After close inspection you'll discover it was the back of a goddamn suitcase being wheeled to, presumably, nowhere. These are not tourists. Tourists have those huge fucking backpacks that knock you into the smelly, rat infested hot dog stands. New Yorkers are the ones with these stupid pieces of luggage. When this started and how it started...I have no idea.